There are three possible points of view regarding sex. From one perspective, it can be looked at as an unhealthy and sinful act which is tolerated in marriage, only by the fact that it can’t be physically eliminated.
On the other hand, it can be considered as a natural and usual need, just like eating, sleeping, and breathing. The third perspective is that the sex is the act of a great enjoyment. A profound pleasure that can be found by finding the right partner.
Even though sex has been, and always will be a necessary part of every relationship, its place and quality are not to be determined by the boundaries of that relationship, but by the people doing it.
The benefits of casual sex and why it should be something good and fulfilling are very well known. Casual sex contributes to insightful information about ourselves and helps us evolve our techniques and be more open-minded.
The thing is, everyone would gladly accept a casual sex night once in a while because it has that bond of freedom attached to it – experiencing a fantastic intimate night with a stranger is the fantasy we have all once desired. Some of us have a much stronger, general need for sexual novelty. And there’s much greater comfort in having sex with people that we don’t know very well.
So if you are that type of person, keep doing it! But having a casual sex night with a stranger without knowing what you really want out of it, and how much you are willing to give and tell that person, can lead to some unhappy experiences.
Because both of you want that experience to be the most satisfying, you should determine the boundaries, the rules or measures of precaution so that you can be on the same page, or if you wish, in the same rhythm of the night.
Anything of a sexual nature between a man and a woman must remain discreet. Being low-key will not only set the tone for the night but will also allow you to have crazy and fun sex. Anything that happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. In other words, whatever you two are doing that night gets covered and protected by desires and horniness.
This means that:
- Anything they tell you about their sexuality must remain confidential, and vice versa.
- Anything you’ve found out about the sexuality of that person must remain confidential.
- Anything that you two have done together that night, must remain confidential.
You two are the stars of the night’s show. Secret lovers. Nobody knows that you two have hooked-up and what you’ve been doing that night.
You are totally discreet. And that is how it should stay for the rest of the night.
Here’s an example of why being discreet work so well
Imagine this: a regular guy, who is neither too good-looking nor bad-looking, just average. He has ordinary social skills and attractiveness – he’s just a normal guy. Now consider placing that average guy in a locked room with an average girl. Both of them know that they are isolated from the outside world, and only they will ever know what has had happened in that particular room.
They start talking and flirting, he starts touching her, and she gets very turned on. They will most likely have (discreet) sex and a wonderful night spent together. Why is that?
Because the “lips of the night” are sealed, she feels allowed to proceed. She is comfortable and doesn’t feel any pressure to follow social norms nor does she worry about consequences. There are fewer reasons to control herself and hold herself back, thus she feels like she’s allowed to have a fantastic night of casual sex.
However, if you take these two people and place them somewhere in public, where her friends might be around, the story’s direction changes drastically because now her actions have been exposed to social repercussions.
The discretion is now out of the window, and even though she would want to have a sexual encounter with this guy, her defenses are now up, and she feels like she’s not allowed to do so.
Understand the rules of engagement
Being judged for what you do based on restrictive and often hypocritical social norms is an underwhelming experience that leads to social stigma, and nobody should feel this way.
So the rule of thumb is: make your partner desire having sex but also make it so that they feel like they’re allowed to do so, by removing the pressure from “social justice”.
Tell your partner for the night how important secrecy is to you. Make them understand your precaution by giving the arguments listed above. Also, you can tell them that you find secret sex more exciting and sexy, that it gives you a sense of freedom which makes you hornier.
A casual sex night with this in mind can lead you both on the same path, with a fantastic time spent together, and true, fulfilling romance without any serious romantic responsibilities.
Why shouldn’t you enjoy a wonderful night of pleasure and lust just because someone has labeled it as something bad and not morally acceptable? Even in the briefest of one night stands, you should give yourself fully. Casual sex doesn’t have to be devoid of all intimacy and passion: try to give and get as much sexual pleasure on every hookup. That’s the whole point.
Have fun, make the most out of it, and don’t feel guilty for doing so!
From that point onward, just gets better.
Be open and honest
The boundaries of a casual sex night can’t be objectively established. Every person is unique, a galaxy of its own. One might have the need to proceed to the type of relationship that has consistent sex and frequent meetings, while the other one might be focused only on that particular night. Different focuses will collide, and if not maneuvered correctly, it can lead to a dry night.
There’s no room for discrepancy.
Speak up about your intentions. Tell them what you expect from the night, how you feel and what they should pay attention to. Keeping your beliefs and needs to yourself will only result in an unwanted and unsatisfied night.
There’s no need to lie to your casual sex partner. What’s actually interesting, is that if you both agree on a low-key arrangement, some amazing stories and situations can occur.
With both of you being honest about your intentions and desires, the night will get that magic taste that you will remember. One thing that can make a one night stand memorable is if you treat each other to the things both of you are really into.
So if you want to keep the boundaries of a casual sex night in the range of pure sex, be upfront about it. For example, if your partner has intentions of seeing you again, but you are not very interested in that becoming the deal, you can simply express your own intentions kindly and seductively.
Tell them that this should be a unique and exciting experience, which doesn’t have to be ruined by awkward arrangements. There’s always a room for a compromise. Answers to questions like: “Where do you live?” and “What’s your phone number?” should stay hidden from the partner.
Being authentic will lead to a more pleasurable experience
Sexual authenticity naturally pushes partners to be more open, intimate, and satisfied. It can also lead to vulnerability. And that is not a bad thing! Our intuition then takes the wheel, placing our insecurities in the back seat.
In some sense, you can be whoever you want to be, covering yourself with a veil of mystery. That’s a unique opportunity for self-expression that we don’t often get to have in this world.
The never-ending social etiquette, the external pressures that we are a part of are broken for that night. Sometimes determining the boundaries of a casual sex night is not to have boundaries at all. But the roleplay has to be led by authenticity for it to be meaningful.
Inauthentic sexuality costs us. It costs us satisfaction, freedom, and connection. It keeps us trapped in what we’ve gotten ourselves into, instead of what we really desire. The boundaries of the night get tighter, resulting in awkward and messy situations.
A good example of a scenario where sex is just a tool in the hands of self-destruction, and where the boundaries are being dismantled is Bertolucci’s “Last Tango in Paris”. It excites the mind to the limit of ejaculation and drives the heart to the point of breaking – but that can be a reality.
Key to success is basically having a genuine conversation and be truthful.
Give yourself up
An interesting way to see the boundaries on casual sex night is to be naive. Purposely give yourself up to your partner to see what their boundaries and expectations are. This can backfire, so be careful with how you approach it.
If you are an adventurous person who likes to learn new stuff and step into the unknown, then this little game is perfect for you. Dive in, see what the other person has to offer and how they do it. Ask about the things they like, what turns them on – any information you get can help casual sex night evolve into something unique and passionate.
In some ways, casual sex night is your personal theatre. Both of you are the directors, actors, and writers at the same time. You get to decide what boundaries are there to be determined, how it all begins and how it will end. Which elements should the two of you be focusing on? It’s your world to create, so be creative and open-minded. And make sure it’ll be a night to remember.
The love, without falling in love. That is what we aim for.
This moment of imagination is vital in every relationship, whether it’s a commitment or a one night stand. The material which spontaneous sex provides is unique in every aspect. And in this sense, casual sex nights have the advantage over committed relationships.
Long-term relationships can become dull and repetitive, something that has lost its pleasure and even sensibility. On the other hand, casual sex nights give you an opportunity to loosen up, relax and give yourself up for that one night.
Sometimes, it surely can be overwhelming.
General things to be aware of on casual sex night
Well, these things are kind of noticeable. Nevertheless, they will determine how the night will go. Setting the ground rules with your partner is a great way to keep your boundaries in check but things can go wrong if you don’t plan carefully.
Condoms are the best thing to keep you safe, as they provide protection from both pregnancy and STDs. Don’t forget your condoms. Wouldn’t it be unfortunate to find yourself shopping for diapers a year from now just because you were careless and got carried away?
Alcohol and drugs should be avoided. Of course, it’s okay to have a couple of drinks to relax and connect more easily with one another. But drinking too much or consuming drugs will only contribute to things going out of control. It doesn’t make your sexual experience special, instead, it will make it sloppier.
Ask your partner about their STD status and previous partners. It’s not a buzzkill. Not have to worry about such a big issue is wonderful! Asking each other about this can make you both feel free and make you more focused on enjoying yourself. Just spit it out: “Have you been tested? What’s your status?”
It’s a normal, mature, and safe thing to ask.
With a little bit of luck you’ll hook up with someone fun and exciting on the weekend and now you know how to set the boundaries. A brief open conversation beforehand can save you a lot of trouble down the road and even make things a whole lot more relaxed and passionate.