Establishing a Safe Word Before You Hop in Bed with a Stranger

If you are into kinky and rough stuff it is perfectly normal. Many people like this kind of sex and it’s important to explore your sexuality so that you can get the satisfaction you need. Still, when it comes to rough sex and physical pain, taking it too far could mean getting hurt and having further issues.

Of course, nobody wants this. We all want to explore our sexuality in a completely safe manner and avoid getting hurt or hurting our partners. This is especially important if you are hooking up with someone for the first time.

Simply put, you don’t know each other well sexually, which means that you won’t be able to recognize when you’ve gone too far and the fine line between fantasy and reality can suddenly become slim. This is why you need to establish certain ground rules and this includes establishing a safe word. Here are some things you should keep in mind.

Safe words are real and they are necessary

A lot of people think that safe words are ridiculous and that they aren’t necessary at all. However, when they try out something kinky with people that already have experience with this kind of stuff, they quickly change their minds. Safe words are there for a reason, even in “regular sex” with strangers, and not only in BDSM.

This is why so many people use them. Passion is a strong feeling and when overwhelmed with it you or your partner might take it too far and end up hurting someone. You’ve probably heard or read about people who hurt themselves during sex and yes, it might sound funny but if it happens to you no one is going to be laughing, trust me.

It’s better to be safe than sorry and introduce simple words that will create boundaries through which you can regulate how aggressive and crazy you get during sex. At the same time, safe words are very simple to use and they don’t break the moment, but easily let you explain to your partner that things are going too far so that the both of you can know when to slow down.

How safe words are used and how they help

There are certain sexual activities that can make it really difficult to verbalize your safe word. For example, if you or your partner are gagged or someone is performing oral it’s clear that it can be difficult to say the safe word. This is why a lot of people that are into BSDM or simply like kinky stuff like to establish hand gestures that can be used in these kinds of situations.

It doesn’t matter if you are not kinky yourself, sometimes you will hook up with people who are and at some point, things might get rough during sex. After all, you are hooking up to experiment and try out new things so it’s a good idea to have a safe word that will give you the protection you need.

At the same time, a lot of people don’t want to stop during sex and start talking about things but with a single word all of this can be solved.

You don’t have to get into it deeply and talk about the things you don’t like and why this is, a simple safe word that you previously agreed on can do this for you and quickly change the direction of the intercourse. No matter what you might think, BDSM and kinky sex overall can be really exciting and pleasurable, but it’s not that easy to achieve and you need to create a certain dynamic within reasonable limits.

bdsm tfl

Not all people can handle the same intensity

Let’s face it, in this sex culture there are many different people and this means that there are just as many sexual preferences. Nobody likes only a few basic things – we all have a mix of things we like doing in bed or have done to us. For people that are into rough stuff, the level of intensity is a very important aspect of the whole experience.

We like to play pretend, but this means that the whole thing should never exceed our expectations and that the experience should be controlled. Some people like to feel pain, some can’t take so much of it and when two people don’t know each other, they don’t know the other person’s preferences.

Even if two strangers talk about these things, they cannot certainly guarantee that they’ve completely understood everything, as different people define when it’s time to stop in a different way. This is why it is necessary to establish a safe word so that you can let the other person know when they should slow down or stop.

People get caught up in the moment during sex

We all love sex and we know how intoxicating it can be, especially if it’s good. In these moments, people get caught up with all the excitement and this can create miscommunication between partners or cause you to be rougher than someone wants.

This is particularly true when it comes to BDSM or roleplaying, as people simply get carried away when they enjoy the moment. In these situations, it’s essential for strangers to have a safe word that will help them prevent any unwanted issues and cool things down.

Roleplaying and BDSM are supposed to help people enjoy casual sex even more and the point is not to take it too far and hurt someone. However, for people that don’t know each other well, it can be difficult to instantly figure out how far they can go and what the other person likes. With safe words, you can quickly get over this and establish boundaries.

Use a word you can’t mix up

The first thing you should ensure when choosing a safe word is that it’s unique enough so that you or your partner won’t mix it up with another word. Communication is essential in these situations, particularly with strangers, as you don’t know each other and need to be on the same page.

Make sure that it’s a word that doesn’t resemble any word you also might use in bed. First of all, this will help avoid the mistake of hearing the person say it and stopping at the wrong time. On the other hand, if a person doesn’t hear that word when they are supposed to, someone might be in danger.

Sometimes it’s a matter of seconds when you or your partner have to react and at those moments clarity is important. This means that the word should be something that you will both recognize and hear at all times.

safe words

You can make your sex life safer and better

Some of the most popular safe words for sex are traffic light colors – green, yellow, and red. Not only are they simple to understand but they can also be used for signalizing different things, just as traffic lights do.

Green should mean that you like what the other person is doing to you during sex and that they should continue.

Yellow should tell the other person to tone it down a bit and that they are starting to cross the line.

Red, of course, should mean that they should stop completely at what they are doing. 


A single word will allow you to verbalize what you are feeling instantly while at the same time making it easy for your partner to understand. With this example of three simple words that are easy to use and understand, you can instantly introduce safety to your hookup, even though you don’t really know each other.

It can help you build trust

No matter how much experience you have with hookups and having sex with complete strangers, it’s always a good idea to have your guard up and create a certain level of trust before you get into bed with someone. This is what a safe word allows you to do. When establishing one, both people involved know that they can always rely on the safe word if they dislike something.

At the same time, it allows them to completely relax and get into it knowing that they are safe. Additionally, memorizing and establishing safe words shows that both sides are willing to work together on this and make sure that nobody gets hurt or treated badly.

This both deepens the trust and gives you a safety net, meaning that you can have a much better adventure together and actively engage in sex. Having the ability to freely try out your sex fantasies is very erotic while at the same being completely safe.

A lot of people are quiet about things they don’t like

No matter how much we say that we are open about sex today, there are still a lot of things that are being left out of the conversation. Yes, even in the hookup culture. Things like feeling pain during sex is often a big issue but nobody is talking about it. For women, the most common scenario is where they allow penetration even before they are completely ready for it, and they experience pain.

It goes both ways, there are also situations in which men feel pain and they don’t talk about it. This is also a scenario where you can use safe words to point out things that are hurting you and when they are happening. When you set some safe words preemptively, you’ll remove that barrier and be more comfortable at verbalizing your dislikes and even likes.

This way people can avoid getting hurt as a result of not speaking up about something that doesn’t feel good to them. At the same time, their partner won’t hurt them unintentionally. After all, sex is about feeling pleasure and not pain or discomfort. Use your safe word to verbalize these issues as well.

It only takes a couple of minutes

By making a bit of an effort and holding off for a couple of minutes to lay out some ground rules, you’ll make sure that everything runs smoothly and that you have a night that you will remember. As we mentioned earlier, safe words are really simple and they can be memorized easily. On top of that, there are many safe words that are now “mainstream” and most people know them.

Simply put, you aren’t losing anything by establishing safe words and you’re gaining a lot in return. We mentioned traffic light colors earlier, this is one of the most commonly used sets of safe words – even if someone is not familiar with them, they can memorize them easily, as they are intuitive and make logical sense.

After all, everyone has seen traffic lights and knows what they mean, even if they don’t drive a car. Try them out and you’ll see how practical they can actually be.

bdsm safe words

The most popular safe words that you can use

No matter what safe word you choose, you and your partner need to ensure that you both understand what it is and, if you are using multiple words, ensure that you are on the same page. To have great sex with strangers and enjoy it to the fullest, you need to establish good communication quickly. If you don’t have any ideas, here are some of the most popular safe words that people use:

  • Orange
  • Safe
  • Mercy
  • Apple
  • Pineapple
  • Stop
  • Red
  • Bananas
  • Pause
  • Pie
  • Safeword

Some of them are actually really funny and they bring a bit of humor and laughter to sex, which is always a good thing. If you don’t like these words, figure out something on your own.

We hope that this guide helps you have safe, exciting, and kinky sex with your partners. Remember that safety is important to enjoy your sex life to the fullest!

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