“Never say never” is the golden rule of having an amazing, arousing, fulfilling sex life. It doesn’t matter if you’re into vanilla sex, BDSM, S&M, or anything in between, being open to new experiences will perhaps introduce you to something you never knew you’d be interested in.
Many people believe that they can only experience pleasurable, kinky sex with a partner they’ve known for a long time, but that’s not necessarily true. Yes, you do need to have trust in order to indulge in your wildest fantasies, but you don’t need to be in a relationship to make kinky sex work for you.
It can be tormenting putting yourself out there and telling your casual partner that you’d like to try something different and exciting, they might think you’re a freak. But your other option is that you’ll be stuck in the missionary position, never really experiencing the pleasures of making your fantasies come to life.
So, let go of your prejudices and misconceptions, and open yourself up to the wonders of casual kinky sex.
Guilt and Shame Don’t Belong in the Bedroom
You’ve probably already gone through the guilt and shame stage when you decided you’re more into casual rather than serious relationships. Just because most of society says that something is wrong for you, doesn’t necessarily mean it’s true.
As soon as you’d let go of your feelings of shame, you’ve learned how good casual sex can be, and you’ve probably been enjoying it ever since. It’s the same with kinky sex. Don’t let others tell you what you should and shouldn’t enjoy in the bedroom.
Being interested is kinky sex is completely normal, and there’s nothing about it that should make you feel guilty. Everyone has sexual fantasies, most people just lack the courage to make them a reality. Don’t be one of those people.
Accept your sexuality and accept your fantasies. The only person that has the right to judge you is you. As soon as you forget about the social norms in the bedroom, you’ll start having the best sex of your life, and you’ll probably start having better sex than 90% of the population. So be true to yourself and let go of any guilt or shame that others are trying to instill in you.
Do Your Research
No, I’m not talking about taking notes while you re-watch “50 Shades of Grey”. If you’re new to the world of kinky sex, watching movies and TV shows might sound like a good place to start, but it’s really not. Just like porn didn’t teach you much about Sex Ed, “50 Shades of Grey” won’t teach you about kink and BDSM.
Some of the things we see on TV about kink are not just wrong, they can be plain dangerous. And there’s nothing sexy or enjoyable about a trip to the ER because you decided to do it “as seen on TV”.
Even if you’re pretty sure you know what you want to do in the bedroom, whether you’re new to the whole kinky sex stuff, or you’re just trying out a new kink, some research beforehand can save you a world of trouble.
There’s plenty of resources online, and many books you can check out. “The Ultimate Guide to Sexual Fantasy: How to Turn Your Fantasies into Reality” by Violet Blue is an excellent educational resource for anyone interested in exploring the world of kink.
Be Yourself
Kink is an umbrella term that covers a lot of things, from playful spanking to full-on S&M scenarios. So before you suggest kinky sex to your partner, you should understand what kink means to you. Something that’s completely normal and neutral to one person, can be too hardcore for another.
It’s best for you to start fantasizing about it first, visualize what you want to do, or what you want to be done to you. Really imagine what it would be like if your partner tied you up and started erotically spanking you. Is that something you’d enjoy? Do you want to be in command and have your partner obey every word you say?
Visualization and research are the things that will help you figure out what you want. Explore the possibilities and learn what turns you on. And if your partner suggests something that’s a big no-no for you, say so.
Don’t accept to do something just because it’s what your partner wants, or you’ve heard your friends are doing it. Know what you’re comfortable with, and don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. Be honest with yourself, and with your partner.
Communication is Key
Communication plays a key role in pleasurable sexual experiences. It doesn’t matter what kind of sex you’re having, it’s important to say what you want to do and what you don’t want.
This is even more true for kinky sex. In order for you to completely relax and enjoy the experience to the fullest, you need to have trust in your partner. But how can you trust someone you barely know? Well, that’s simple. Just talk it out.
It’s even easier communicating with strangers sometimes because you won’t feel as judged by them. Casual relationships are excellent for experimentation because your contact in the outside world is very limited. You don’t need to pretend, you don’t need to feel shame.
You opted for casual sex because you want to have a good time, and you don’t want to have any boundaries. Your partner probably did the same. Serious relationships are risky because there’re emotions involved, and suggesting something unusual to your partner can put a strain on your relationship.
With casual partners, you shouldn’t really care. If you stop hooking up because of something you suggested, it’s not a big deal, and you can easily find another partner who’d be interested in the same things you are.
It’s a Game for Two
The reason why you’d suggest kinky sex to someone is that you want to have your fantasy come to life. But this is a game 2 people play (at least), and you want to make sure both you and your partner are on the same page.
Just like you wouldn’t want to be forced into doing something that’s just not up your alley, you shouldn’t force your partner into doing something they’re not completely comfortable with.
Again, talk it out! Let your partner know what you’re into, and listen to what they have to say as well. The best thing about open communication with your casual sex partner is not just that they’ll be more likely to do what you ask them to, they’ll also be more likely to suggest something you haven’t even considered.
You can have an incredible sex life by simply being open and honest about your desires. Tell your partner what you want them to do and how, and follow their advice as well. This will not only lead to amazingly enjoyable kinky sex, but it will also teach you a thing or two. By listening to each other, you’ll learn what you’re doing right and what you’re doing wrong, and this feedback will make you be a better lover in no time.
Talk About Boundaries
Establishing boundaries is one of the things that makes casual sex good, and it’s one of the things that is the most essential if you want to have good kinky sex. It’s very easy to get caught up in the moment and turn enjoyable sex into a night you or your partner will forever regret. So set boundaries before you give in to desire.
Some of the rules are just common sense and should be well known. Use protection, always! Being on the pill is excellent, but condoms are recommended. They protect you against unwanted pregnancy, and they also protect you from STIs. Talk about your preferred method of protection beforehand, don’t just think about it as something that’s implied – that’s when mistakes happen.
Avoid being under the influence of drugs or alcohol. For kinky sex to be enjoyable, you both need to be able to communicate clearly. So while a glass of wine or two are completely fine and can take the edge off, getting wasted is a sure way of making this whole experience pretty bad.
Dedicating a few minutes of your evening to discussing some ground rules will help both of you feel more comfortable, and it will allow you to feel safe even if you’re getting into BDSM with a stranger.
Establish a Safe Word
Since you probably don’t know your casual sex partner well enough, you’re probably unsure about their sexual preferences. This is where a safe word can be a life-saver, figuratively and literally.
Establishing a safe word is essential when you’re introducing kink to your sex life. You don’t want things to get too rough, and while you or your partner might find a little pain to be exciting and arousing, sometimes it’s difficult to figure out what the other person’s limitations are.
Instead of just stopping in the middle of the act and ruining the night for the both of you, a safe word can point you in the right direction and make for a more pleasurable experience. It will be easier jumping into bed with a stranger if you both agree on a safe word because it creates trust. You’ll both know you are there to have a good time with each other, and you’ll both relax knowing no one will get hurt or be treated poorly.
The most common safe words are Green, Yellow, and Red. Green meaning that you enjoy what your partner is doing, yellow symbolizing that the partner is starting to cross the line, and red meaning the partner should stop what they’re doing immediately.
Let Go of Perfection
Many people refrain from kinky sex because they’re afraid of making a mistake and looking stupid. But the fact of the matter is, sex is not perfect. You can go wrong in the missionary position just the same as in doggy style while you’re tied up and using a whip.
Even serious roleplay with some rough BDSM is supposed to be fun. You’re allowed to laugh if there’s some funny noise and break the character if you’re not feeling it.
To make kinky sex enjoyable you need to relax, if you’re anxious and worried about making a mistake, it will take away from your pleasure.
So, relax, sex is not scripted, and unplanned situations happen very easily, so go with the flow. Talk about what you’re into beforehand, but let things develop naturally as you go.
Take It Slow
Once you’ve agreed to add some kink to the bedroom, take it slow. Even if you’ve had years of experience with BDSM, your partner might be new to all this, so don’t scare them off. Some popular sexcessories may also be dangerous if not used correctly, so take baby steps to see what works for you and what doesn’t.
Build up your comfort levels as you go. If you’re completely new to kink, you can start out with simple dirty talk. You’ve probably experienced the pleasures of dirty talk, now it’s just a matter of taking it a step further. Indulge in some role play during your vanilla sex, and see how you and your partner like it. Start off with some light bondage or blindfolds before taking out the cat-o-nine-tails.
In order for everyone to stay safe and happy, it’s best to start slow and work the kinks out as you go. Some fantasies are better left in your head, but you’ll never know until you’ve tried it. If nothing else, you can cross some fantasies off your list, and go on your merry kinky way.
Most people are eager to try something exciting and new in the bedroom but are afraid to ask for it. Sex is about pleasure, and if you have a fantasy in mind that will make sex more pleasurable for you, don’t be afraid to go for it. Enjoy kinky sex to the fullest.
